Everyday as the moon rises over what is left of our world, shinning its pale light reflect off of broken windows and burnt out buildings, I rise up on stiff and cramped limbs, my entire body sore from whatever shelter I could find during the day to sleep in.
As I attempt to walk the stiffness out of my joints and bones, I try to find some type of reflective surface so I can look into in and try to convince myself that all is not yet lost.
I stand before it staring back at myself and repeat a mantra to help build up my ever decreasing confidence.
It is a ritual of sorts that I have come to rely on and it helps me to see past all the negative shit that has happened to me and so many hundreds of others over the past few weeks.
I am whole in mind and body, or as much as I can be.
I am kind and not a killer or I shall try to be to the best of my abilities.
I am beautiful, or at least I hope I am.
I shall not become like the hundreds that have gone before me.
I WILL retain my self worth.
I Will avoid peer pressure; just because everyone else is doing it does not make it right.
I am whole in mind, body and spirit.
I AM ME and I AM.
No I am not a new age freak nor am I a hippy. I know it sounds hokey and corny as all hell but now a days a person needs all the help they can get to kept an upbeat, can do attitude.
As I said, or maybe I didn’t, but in this day and age the world has changed and I’m not talking small changes either. There is too much senseless killing and destruction happening daily that in order to maintain your humanity and not become one of those who kill just to kill you have to do what you can to hold onto your last shred of decency.
The biggest problem we face today is the solitude, that lack of human contact and interaction. Sure we still gather in small to larger groups periodically but when it happens it’s out of a need, usually to look for food.
Its times like these that peer pressure starts and becomes too hard to ignore, to fight but you must otherwise those feelings become ever increasing urges that the group mentality help reinforce.
So over all I just try hard to avoid those little social gatherings and go out on my own. Not only does it limit the temptation to do the wrong thing, it’s also a lot safer. When there is just me I am able to go about searching for food on my own schedule and stay on guard to make sure no one is not sneaking up on me.
When you’re with a group it tends to be a lot more noisy and chaotic and you’re just asking for trouble because noise attracts attention and that’s something we defiantly don’t want.
Who needs that headache, you know what I mean. It’s not hard finding food because there are plenty of people still wandering around the city. But I refuse to go that route and I’m trying to stay the course and retain some of my humanity and I’m hoping that I’m leading a good example to the others.
I have not seen or witnessed anyone else with the same social and moral struggles that I am having but I do know that the others see that I’m not participating in there brutal savagery of flesh tearing and brain eating and there just glad that there is one less to fight with to get a handful of flesh or organ.
I hope daily that when they see this it might spark a glimmer of recognition deep down inside them and maybe, just maybe, that could help bring them back just a little bit at a time.
But there lifestyle is not for me thank you very much, I’ll find my source of daily nutrition elsewhere. There are plenty of small animals or rodents still around: problem is there a lot quicker than I am, so more often than not I am forced to feed upon the remains of someone else’s feast.
Oh not to have a conscience!
This usually doesn’t allow for much food but you’re guaranteed at least something. My brethren are pretty mess eaters and not to thorough while eating. So there is usually some meat on the bone and if worse came to worse I could always suck the marrow from them.
Sure I'm left feeling somewhat disgusted with myself but I have to eat and it’s not like I’m the one who killed them. I try to think of it as road kill and this way I can still sleep at night and look at myself in the morning.
I’ve adapted well to my new life style, better than most, but it hasn’t been easy. Day to day it’s a struggle to stay alive and try to maintain some level of humanity.
But I didn’t always want to think or behave as I do now. In the beginning I was out for blood, literally. I was pissed at the media and government because I thought this was some kind of biological cock up by our military and I thought the media was in on the cover up.
After me and a bunch of others attacked the television station I realized what I had done and as I looked on at the others eating there grotesque feast I realized I had a choice and free will still even if the others didn’t.
I stood and stared and thought to myself; what good would it do me to seek out revenge because of some half baked theory I had. The facts were it could do me no good and would only better my chances at being killed, but for good this time.
It was at this point I realized that I needed to walk the path I now walk.
I remember quite a lot of my life before I died and I ask myself could that crazy chanting I did actually have worked, is that why I am like I am? I don’t know and I suspect I probably never will, but I have come to accept it an as disgusting as it is it beats the hell out of either being truly dead, like one of my brethren or like the food the hunt, humans.
Speaking of which, I would still like to find my ex and give her that hug for teaching me that chanting shit, but I’m sure some one else already beat me to it.
So, if anyone ever finds this, and they are like I am then take my advice and try repeating my mantra or at least something like it so you can keep an upbeat feeling about yourself and life in general.
Also, try and stay out of the sun as much as humanly possible; its effects are horrible on your skin.
Don’t give into peer pressure; lead the pack don’t be led and for god sake keep your head down, those bullets are a bitch.