Saturday, June 25, 2011

Ray is to Blame Part 1

An Interview With The Man
Solely responsible For Destroying Civilization As We Know It.


   Zombies! Before we start tonight’s program we thought it best to give you, the viewer, a brief overview of this menace that is sweeping across our fair city, break down some myths and give you nothing but the cold hard facts.
   The first question usually out of anyone’s mouth is what exactly are they? Well frankly they are you and me, but dead. They continue to retain certain traits that were dominant in there lives but make no mistake about it they are dead. Sometimes these traits can be used to your advantage. For an instance, say you are alone and suddenly there is a zombie in front of you, but you notice that he seems hesitant in his approach. Chances are that in life this zombie was a coward, so instead of wasting bullets, try instead to scare him off. Grab something from the ground and start waving it about and making all kinds of noises. Chances are he is just as much afraid of you as you are of him but, and I cannot stress this enough, no matter how afraid he is of you do not try to scare him off by giving him a good punch in the nose. That myth simply does not work and instead of frightening him you have now placed your arm within reach of his mouth.
   Another example that works on larger groups of zombies is this. Say your being pursued by a mob of zombies, it’s rare but it does happen, but you notice that they are all wearing either baseball hats of football jerseys. Quickly redirect your flight that takes you somewhere with a television or radio and put on the first sporting event you find. This will stop them dead in there tracks because now there focus is completely on the television and sports event and not you. This will allow you to kill them at your leisure; just make sure you complete the job before an advertisement.
   Another question we hear a lot of is can a zombie be controlled? Except in the cases mentioned above a zombie is a vicious, ruthless killing machine and cannot be trained or tamed to become your own personal pet. Please do not try this, not unless you wish to become one of the walking dead as well.
   Lastly the biggest question we get is were do they come from? Well frankly anywhere and everywhere. It doesn’t matter if you are rich and famous and spend your evenings dinning with Royalty. It doesn’t matter if you were born penniless, living amongst the filth of the streets and it doesn’t matter if your middle class, scrapping a living out day to day. The zombie horde does not discriminate against race, color or religion yet alone class structure. The zombie is the great social equalizer and it doesn’t matter to them what you do for a living. Simply put your meat and if you get caught one of two things will happen. They will either rip you to shreds and devourer you or if they are slow eaters then you are able to come back as one of them, adding to their already impressive ranks.
   So then how is Ray creating the zombies. We will reveal this later in the show. Does he control them for his own dastardly deeds; the answer to this is NO As stated before they cannot be controlled once they have become re-animated. There soul purpose is to eat, and by that I mean you and me.
   How was it we were caught so unaware? Simply put who in there right mind would ever had suspected something like this happening. But there were warning signs you say. Yes!, they just were found to late because they were too wide spread and happened so close together that the police force never had time to review and compare notes, so the trend went unnoticed.
   Then of course there was the suddenness of the zombie epidemic as it swept over our city giving no one, the hospitals, fire department, police officers or even the common man on the street time to prepare and protect themselves from the onslaught that is taking place.
   In just the course of one evening the death toll rose from a couple dozen to over several hundreds and our police force and National Guard were quickly over run.
  No one knows how to stop it and worse still no one new how it all began until a single man named Ray tried to explain and was treated as a nutter.
   But soon afterwards reports of gang fighting came in followed by reports of downed and missing officers who were sent to investigate. Now that there ranks were fast becoming decimated, that’s when they finally realized that there just might be something more to what Ray had to say.
   So, they rushed him away to a top secret research facility to perform all sorts of test that all came to the same conclusion. But what can you do with a man that can bring the dead back to life? There answer was to lock him up in a secure location where we will be holding our interview with him later.
   So in tonight’s program we will be heading out and hitting the streets to hold several exclusive interviews with Ray’s Mother and Father, a Mr. Charles Slouchowski, a man Ray worked with right up to the outbreak and for the first time ever we will be talking with the man himself, Ray.
   We will be risking life and limb, setting out into the city so you the viewers can finally get some answers to the questions that are on all our minds and to gain some insight into the man the Government claims is responsible for over twenty thousand deaths in just a few days.
   So tonight’s program starts where any story should start, at the beginning, with Ray’s parents. At first they were reluctant to allow us to come to there trailer home to interview them about there son and his alleged ties to the zombie murders, but once we informed them that it would be aired on primetime Friday night throughout the country, with millions of people tuning in, they welcomed us with open arms.

Interviewer: Mary Jane and Billy Ray I want to start off by thanking you for allowing us to come into your home, for the beer and allowing us to talk with you about your son, Ray.
Billy Ray: When did you say this thing was going to be put on the TV?
Mary Jane: Hush Billy don’t interrupt the man, does my hair look okay?
Interviewer: Yes Mary your hair looks fine and Billy; we will be airing this interview on Friday night at 8:00p.m.
Bill Ray: This Friday?
Interviewer: Yes sir, this Friday night.
Billy Ray: No, I’m sorry but that just don’t work. You’ll need to move it to either Thursday night or Saturday night.
Interviewer: I’m sorry Billy but I have no choice when they air it. It’s not up to me to say when they show it; it’s up to the Programming Director. May I ask why you don’t want it played on Friday night.
Billy Ray: It’s the league championship and I’m the darn captain. How would that look to the rest of the team if I was to stay home on the most important day of  the year. We worked hard as a team to get there. Thursday or Saturday, can’t be
Interviewer: What sport are we talking about here?
Billy Ray: The only true sport there is, bowling.
Interviewer: Uh Huh! Well, couldn’t you just tape the program on your DVD burner or video recorder?
Billy Ray: Huh?
Interviewer: You know a VCR or a DVD player, you do have one right?
Billy Ray: Uh! Nope don’t think so.
Mary Jane: Is that some sort of kitchen appliance?
Interviewer: I’m sorry Mary, did you say something?
Mary Jane: That thing you mentioned, a BDR, is that a kitchen appliance. It sounds like the abbreviation for a bread maker and I do have one of those.
Interviewer: No Mary, I’m afraid it’s not. It’s a machine you hook up to your TV that allows you to tape something to watch at a more convenient time.
Billy Ray: How is tape going to do that?
Interviewer: (starting to sound a bit exasperated)
 I’m not quite sure of all the technical stuff but I assure you it does work quite well. Matter of fact, my cameraman over there, that is filming us, is basically using a portable VCR to tape right now.
Billy Ray: I don’t see no duct tape!
Interviewer: IT”S NOT DUCT TAPE! Sorry about that. Look, how about we do this, if I can’t change my programmers mind to switch the day it airs then I’ll  just make you a copy and send it over with a VCR so you can watch it at anytime.
Billy Ray: I don’t know. Let me go call the guys really quick to see what they have to say. I’ll be right back – do you need a refill while I’m up.
Interviewer: Dear God! Yes, and thank you.
Mary Jane: I didn’t know you were religious man.
Interviewer: Only recently Mary Jane, only recently.
Mary Jane: Well I’ve been a devotee my whole life and the lord has helped me through many a difficult situation. Every
time I’m feeling depressed or helpless I locate one of the statues I have of Jesus or Mary scattered through the trailer to give me inspiration. I even have one on my trucks dashboard. He’s a bit melted right know because of the extreme heat we had last summer, but I can’t seem to find a replacement for him anywhere. Oh! I did   find one of him wearing a grass skirt but I didn’t think it to be appropriate.
(Billy Ray enters back into the room)
Billy Ray: Never mind.
Mary Jane: About the dashboard Jesus.
Billy Ray: No ya silly girl!
Interviewer: About what then Billy Ray?
Billy Ray: About the interview.
Interviewer: WHAT? You don’t want to do it any longer?
Billy Ray: No, I mean yes, we can do it. The match is next week and it’s a good thing too because Clyde was just telling me that he might not be able to bowl because some clown bit him on his bowling hand today when he was coming out of the beer store and now he’s not feeling so well.
Interviewer: Did he see what he looked like?
Billy Ray: Why on earth would Clyde tell me what he looks like, I’ve seen Clyde hundreds of times and know what he looks like.
Interviewer: No, No, No. I meant did Clyde see the person who bit him?
Billy Ray: Not really. Clyde seemed a bit off and I didn’t want to bother him too much about it.
Interviewer: That’s okay, maybe we’ll swing around to his place when we are done and see how he’s feeling.
Mary Jane: That is real friendly like. You could always bring him a coffee cake as well.
Interviewer: Um…exactly why would I do that?
Mary Jane: Because it would be like a “hope your feeling better” gift. Besides, he likes them.
Interviewer: Thank you Mary for that bit of information, it should come in handy and I’ll make sure we get him one. Now that we have all that settled I would like to ask you a few questions about Ray.
Billy Ray: Me? Why?
Interviewer: No not you Billy Ray, I’m referring to your son, Ray.
Mary Jane: I swear, sometimes you can be so dim Billy Ray.
Interviewer: So, Mary Jane, what can you tell us about Ray? What was he like as a little boy? Did he have a happy childhood?
Mary Jane: I think so but I’m not quite sure because we would need to leave him at our cousin Clyde’s house a lot. Because more often than not I would work my normal full time morning shift at the diner and then, depending on the day of the week, my second full time shift would either be in the afternoon or at night.
Interviewer: And what about you Billy Ray?
Billy Ray: Well same goes for me kind, of except, I would work my shift down at the packing plant, I was on first shift, and then after work we would go down to the bowling alley afterwards. Depending on how well we bowled that night it would determine how long we would stay out afterward celebrating.
Mary Jane: Yeah! It was pretty hectic back then and it was a good thing we have such close relatives or we would have never been able to afford this place.
(Motions with her arms to indicate the trailer)
Interviewer: So what you guys are telling me is when Ray was a baby you pretty much had no contact with him.
Mary Jane: Baby? Heck No! We never got to spend any time with him until he was almost seven. That’s right about the time that Billy Ray got laid off the first time.
Interviewer: First time. How many times were you laid off Billy Ray?
Billy Ray: Don’t rightly know. Seemed to happen at least once a year and always in November. This never really bothered me because they always called us back and Deer season opened in November anyways.
Interviewer: So, Billy Ray, did you take Ray along on any of your hunting trips, you know to teach him the ropes to become a killer?
Billy Ray: Whoa there fella! First off hunting ain’t killing. If it wasn't for us hunting them down then they would either starve to death in winter or get hit by cars.
Interviewer: Sorry, that’s not what or how I meant it.
Billy Ray: Forget about it. I did try taking the boy out a couple times, but each time he was worse than the time before. Always complaining about being to cold or the ground was too wet or the twelve packs were too heavy, I’m telling you, the boy
was a born whiner.
Interviewer: Was Ray able to eventually shoot a deer?
Billy Ray: Only with his cap gun. He out rightly refused to shoot anything. No matter how many times I explained to him the whole survival thing or how it put food on our table. Nothing would work.
Mary Jane: Isn’t that about the time he wanted to become a vegetarian?
Billy Ray: Yep. That boy didn’t have a harmful bone in his body. He wouldn’t even eat things that were all ready dead for Gods sake.
Mary Jane: BILLY RAY you apologies right this minute!
Billy Ray: Sorry Lord for using your name like I did.
Interviewer: So Ray was pretty much useless when it came to hunting! But, let me ask you this, in the time he lived at home, before striking out on his own, did either of you ever witness him doing anything harmful to any creature at all? You know, like cats or dogs in the neighborhood?
Billy Ray: Nope, not a darn thing.
Mary Jane: Me neither, in fact it seemed that everyday he was bringing something that had been hurt home and always trying to nurse it back to health.
   He was never very successful at it and every time one
of the animals would die, no matter how small and insignificant it was, you could see him become more and more depressed and obsessed about them always questioning God’s will about why things died. I think personally that’s when he started having all those emotional problems.
Interviewer: Emotional Problems? What ones were those?
Mary Jane: Primarily it was low self esteem. He would always mope around for days on end when one of the animals he was trying to help died. Always muttering under his breath things like “nobody loves me that’s why they are always dying and leaving me” or “”nobody loves me that’s why I’m always being locked up in the closet.” It wasn’t to long after this that we started sending him to see one of those student psychiatrists. But he couldn’t really help so social services help us find Dr. Johnson, who worked with the county, and he tried to help Ray.
Interviewer: Was Dr. Johnson ever successful in helping Ray?
Billy Ray: Well, were not really sure about that.
Interviewer: Why is that Billy Ray?
Billy Ray: Because they pumped him so full of pills that he couldn’t help but be happy!
Mary Jane: Well now Billy, that’s not entirely true.
Interviewer: Mary Jane could you please explain?
Mary Jane: Well when Ray was away one afternoon, around his fourteenth birthday, I decided to do a little spring cleaning. When I got to his room I was going through the closet, throwing out old shoes and things but when I stood up I bumped my head on a shelf. The collision dislodged a shoe box which fell to the floor and opened up spilling out about a years worth of pills.
   Needless to say I was a bit surprised and taken back that he wasn’t taking his meds so I gave his room a good looking over and when I was done I had found about two and a half years worth of prescriptions hidden throughout the room.
Interviewer: And what did you do about this?
Mary Jane: I confronted him of course. We had a long talk about it and he told me that he didn’t need the pills because talking with Dr. Johnson was helping him and the only thing the pills did was make him feel strange. So I told him, Fine you stop taking them, after all it been nearly three years already, but you better not start bringing half dead animals home and talking about death again it woul… Billy Ray where are you going?
Interviewer: I’m not sure Mary Jane but he seemed to be becoming more and more upset as you continued talking just now about the pills.
Mary Jane: Great, just great, and he wonders were the boy gets it from. Please excuse me for a moment I’ll be right back.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

My Fellow Americans

Randy the Anchor Man: “Good evening and thank you for tuning in. Before we turn the broadcast over to the White House for the live broadcast of the Presidents address to the nation we have a major story unfolding tonight, right here in lower Manhattan.
   We have on the scene Tammy Baker, Tammy what can you tell us about the incident transpiring on the Brooklyn Bridge?”
Tammy Baker: Well Randy as you can see behind me Manhattan is in mayhem, traffic has been completely stopped in every direction for miles around and it’s just as bad on the opposite side of the bridge in Brooklyn.
   Police are keeping everyone far back and telling those that were stuck on the bridge to exit there vehicles and walk off the bridge until the situation is under control.
Randy the Anchor Man: Tammy, have you been able to determine what is happening? There have been numerous reports of this possibly being a terrorist act. Can you confirm this?
Tammy Baker: Well that was the initial fear but recently I’ve been able to talk with an injured officer as he was coming off the bridge to get some medical help for an injury he had sustained. Here is a taped recording of that interview.

(Okay Steve go ahead and roll it.)

Officer: What did you say?
Tammy Baker: I said excuse me officer. I was wondering if you might have a moment to answer a couple of quick questions and help clear the air as to what is happening.
Officer: Make it quick, I want to get this looked at.
(He holds  up a nasty looking gouge on his right hand)
Tammy Baker: Oh my! That looks gruesome! Can you explain to us what is exactly happening on the bridge and how you got such a horrific bite mark?
Officer: Well when I arrived on the scene I thought it was just a routine accident, someone losing control of there car, but we are finding out its more than that.
Tammy Baker: How do you mean?
Officer: As I approached the vehicle I saw several skid marks on the road and several of the guard rails had been pretty smashed up. That indicated to me that the driver was trying to control his bus but was unable to do so and he eventually lost complete control, flipped onto its side and came skidding to a halt blocking all lanes of traffic.
Tammy Baker: I’m sorry did you say bus? Was it a city bus or a passenger bus for long trips?
Officer: No it was neither. It was a school bus, one of the big yellow ones. I approached the bus and climbed up so I could see through the windows. Luckily there were no children on the bus but as I approached the front I could see the driver, unmoving, still fastened into the driver seat.
   I immediately called for paramedics and back up, so they could assist in diverting traffic away from the area.
   I then forced the main doors open, which must have broken during the accident, so I could gain access to the bus and help the driver. As I was doing this keep calling out to the driver, trying to assure him that help was on the way.
   Once inside I bent down to feel for a pulse and noticed that his skin was cold to the touch and had turned a grayish color. I didn’t think the old fellow was alive by his appearance especially after I failed to find his pulse.
   I assumed he had died either during the collision or just before it and as I turned away from him to call it in, the old bastard bit me. Oops, can you edit that peace out please?
   I immediately scrambled away from him trying to assure him that I was just trying to help and he didn’t need to worry or become upset.
   It didn’t work because as I was talking with him he started to become frantic, making all kinds of moaning and grunting noises as he fought to get up, continuously reaching his hands out trying to grab me. I was fortunate that the seat belt had him restrained.
   My backup and the paramedics soon arrived. I warned everyone to watch out that he was confused, disorientated and violent, fighting back the only way he could. My warnings went unheeded and anyone who got to close suffered some form of injury through either scratches or bites. He’s a tough old cooter!
Tammy Baker: Have you guys got the situation under control yet?
Officer: Well as I was leaving the scene to get some first aide I heard the paramedics say they were going to give him a sedative and then release his safety belt so they could get him to a hospital.
   Other than that I’m afraid I can’t help you with anything else. I would however like to urge the residents of New York City to seek out an alternative route if you were heading down this way. This could take awhile longer as we wait for a tow truck to arrive and the less we need to worry about traffic the quicker we can get this mess cleaned up.
   Now if you excuse me I really want to get this looked at.

(The video stops rolling and were back to Tammy Baker broadcasting Live)

Tammy Baker: Well Randy there you have it. The situation doesn’t seem to be getting any better. After the officer had left we heard several screams coming from the bridge and then several shots were fired. We have not been able to find out what’s happening yet but we will keep you posted, Randy.
Randy the Anchor Man: Thank you Tammy and now, I’ve just received word that the President will be speaking in just a few moments concerning the events that have been recently transpiring in Buffalo, New York over the course of the last few days.
   But before we turn our coverage over to the White House I would like to extend my sincerest, heartfelt sorrow over the loss of life in our sister television stations located in Buffalo and extend to them and all those families as well who have suffered loss during this tragic time.
   It is our sincerest hope here at NCN headquarters that this national tragedy will soon be brought to an end.
   Excuse me a moment, Okay I’m being told that the President is ready so were sending it over to Michael Gallagher and his crew at the White House, Michael.
Michael: Thanks Randy, the President is due out at any moment but before he comes out I would like to say that what Randy has just said really and truly goes for us…Oh!. The President of the United States.
The President: Good evening my fellow Americans. It is with a heavy heart that I come out to stand before you and address you all tonight.
   There have been a lot of rumors and innuendoes being circulated over the last few days in regards to the tragedy that has struck the city of Buffalo and its surrounding suburbs.
   I stand here before you tonight, humbled by what I have heard and seen personally, to let you know that it is true. For some yet unknown reason it appears that the dead have in fact been re-animated and are attacking and killing the citizens of that fair city.
   All attempts made by local law enforcement offices as well as the National Guard have failed to contain the situation and to make the problem worse, the number of the dead coming back are increasing by the minute.
   Canada has closed and sealed of all its border crossings hoping to help contain the virus in the states, keeping it from going global.
   As of now this seems to be working and my hopes and prayers go out to them for success in this overwhelming endeavor.
   The Canadian government have pledged there full military support and I shall meet with there nations leaders in the next few days to discuss this option with them.
   As of now I have issued an order declaring martial law for the entire eastern portion of New York up to the city of Rochester.
   All citizens who have not been injured by any of the dead are to make your way out of the area over the next seventy-two hours. A complete evacuation is being ordered as we speak and military personal will be present to give medical examines and help transport you and your loved ones to facilities outside of the quarantined zones.
   The reason the area is so extensive is due to the fact that we just aren’t sure how far spread the infection has spread. This administration has decided that it would be better to ere on the side of caution.
   Through no fault of the law enforcement agencies we are forced into some pretty tight corners that offer only dire and drastic measures once the seventy-two hour deadline has been met.
   In exactly seventy-two hours I have ordered the military to use small tactical nuclear warheads in order to help contain and stop the spread of this cancer any further.
   I know, as well as the rest of my administration and the military, that there will be a lot of liberals and hippies up in arms about this. Well I say to them, tuff. This needs to be done and it was a decision not easily reached.
   We are attempting to lay down a perimeter with these devices so any of the infected in the area would be eliminated immediately. True the amount of devastation will be horrific, but honestly folks, no one can go in there now anyways.
   The land that would be purified would allow our forces then an unrestricted view of anything that would try to leave the area. It would allow us ample time to strike them before they could strike us and spread the infection further. It is our deepest hope that this will hopefully bring this crisis to a close the only way it should end, with us surviving.
   Until such time as this crisis has been stopped all other matters of government shall be placed on hold, even the revamping of the national heath care system.
   Let me make this perfectly clear, we have a duty to uphold and that duty is to protect the citizens of this country by any means possible. This order has not been given lightly and I am fully aware, as well as the rest of my cabinet, of the consequences it has.
   Our prayers go out to those in this area that they make it to the safety of our armed forces unscathed.
(Takes a deep breath, then lets out a sigh)
   Never in my life could I have imagined I would be standing here before you making this announcement. But the facts remain and I assure you, with the help of you and our neighbors to the north, we shall preserver through this nightmare that our country is facing.
   Keep the residence of New York in your prayers my fellow countrymen and may God bless America.

Michael: Randy did he just say what I thought he just said? He did, didn’t he! How can he possibly justify these actions? It’s outrageous, absurd and a tragedy that he is bringing down on the rest of the country.
   I know as a news man and I’m supposed to remain biased and neutral in all things and not have, or at least not voice it on the air, an opinion but this is simply outrageous. Suspending the government and benching the health care bill, common.
   I have never been so outraged; I can’t talk no more about this so back to the studio and you Randy.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Begining of the End

(The following is a transcripts from a video recording found in the abandoned home of what was yet another faceless victim of the infection.
   We have taken the video and transcribed it to give you a better picture of what was transpiring to him and around him as he started his transformation.)

Sue the Anchor Women: “Topping tonight’s broadcast; mass outbreaks of rioting and fighting throughout our cities south side. We have currently on location Brian Palmer, Brian what can you tell us about what is happening down there and how did it start?”

Brian Palmer: Well Sue, unfortunately right now there isn’t much information that I can tell you and what little we do know is sketchy at best but if you take a look behind me you can see that there is defiantly something going on. The sky is black from an unknown amount of fires burning and periodically we can hear rapid gun fire followed by loud screaming.
    Police are keeping us well back from the area and as of yet have not yet issued any statement but we do know it’s pretty bad because there is a constant flow of ambulances entering and leaving the area.
   As for what is happening, there been no confirmed reports but what we are hearing is the riots are gang related and unusually violent of course in this type of conflict there are numerous bystanders.
   One of the paramedics I was able to talk with simply said that several of the victims were covered in what looked like deep scratches and bite marks but before I could ask anything further he rushed his latest patient, who was covered with a blood soaked sheet, into his ambulance and was gone.
   Hold on a minute Sue….Sue were getting orders to move further back, apparently the police have been unsuccessful in keeping the problem contained so there going to try and reorganize and try stopping the violence from spreading further by setting up barricades were we currently are, so for now I’ll send it back to the studio and you Sue.”

Sue the Anchor Woman: “Well thank you Brian and please keep us informed when you get any new information.
   Well it looks as if Brian’s in for a very long night if the police can’t get the situation under control.
   Right now though we need to take a break but when we come back we have a story that will touch your heart. An interview with Melinda Dubach who has organized a charity concert that has brought together third grade students from over six local elementary schools.  
   That performance is tonight at the Ribbon Center and all the proceeds will be going to research to bring awareness to help children with disabilities.
   Will be right back, please join us.

   ….son of a bitch, not only is the city falling rapidly into anarchy, but from now until the time I die, which will be shortly by the look of things, I’m going to be forced to listen to the same news reports with their expert witnesses weighing in because yet again the corporate news organizations will be repeating the same news over and over again but in a different format each time trying to pretend that something new has happened with ground breaking interruptions every three minutes just to liven things up and keep us tuned in, what a load of crap.
   First things first, how do I know I’m going to die? Well it’s simple really; if you will look down at my right thigh you will see a great big gapping whole that’s used to have a bunch of nerves, muscle and skin but now it’s gone thanks to some lunatic and I can’t stop the bleeding.
   Secondly if all the “news” reports and there experts are to be believed then that bastard that ripped it out with his bare teeth was infected with some fast working virus, I don’t think they named it yet but they will probably call it the aquatic virus because we already have a bird and swine flu so why not fish. Anyways this new flu/virus has a one hundred percent death toll within seventy two hours of being infected, with the surest way of catching it is, you guessed it, through a bite. So either way you look at it I am defiantly screwed.
   But I don’t really think the virus will kill me because I’ll probably bleed to death first and let me just tell you this, I hope and pray that when and if I do come back I will have retained something that was once me so I can go and get even with the people who pissed me off in life, starting with this local news station.
   Hold on a minute.
 (We see the unknown man stand up on wobbly legs and go off camera. There is lots of noises in the background of things being moved around and knocked over carelessly and a couple  of minutes later the man re-enters the cameras frame wearing a bicycle helmet, knee pads and elbow pads and has changed the dressing on his leg.
   There was a window behind him but because of where he had been sitting we were unable to see it but now that he has moved we see a continuous stream of black smoke drifting by the window with the sounds of sirens, either police or fire, filtering in through the glass window.
 Sorry about that but the way I figure it is if I come back dead I’ll probably be falling down a lot so I figured it would probably be best to protect my joints as best as possible and as for the hat, the so called media has been reporting that the best way to take out an infected person is to either shoot or hit the person in the head. The bike helmet won’t stop a bullet but it might deflect a blow enough to allow me to accomplish my mission.
   (Starts coughing violently)
   Listen, sorry if I sound pissed off but I am and I ask you, wouldn’t you be too? I went to the store to get a lousy pack of cigarettes, which the clerk refused to sell me because I forgot my I.D., and as I’m storming out of the store some clown attacks me and rips open my leg with his teeth, HIS FREAKING TEETH.
   After some time, with next to no help from the clerk we eventually killed the guy. At the time we thought we just knocked him out and after numerous, unsuccessful attempts to contact an ambulance or the police I was forced to leave the body there and drive myself to the emergency room and spend one of my last remaining days on earth, standing around for most of the day.
   With typical emergency room efficiency the place was standing room only. There wasn’t a place to lean on a wall yet alone sit in a chair or on the floor and as I stood in a line that went almost out the entrance doors to wait to fill out paperwork, I threw my hands up in discuss and figured I would be better off taking my chances on my own.
   As I was pulling out of the parking lot I was forced over to the shoulder of the road as at twenty cop cars came barreling into the parking lot with there sirens screaming. I pulled out as they passed and I turned the corner up the road and looked back at the hospital and saw the cops setting up a road block with those tough looking orange cones and yellow tape, these guys were holding nothing back.
   So I finally ended back up here, hobbled into my living room, wrapped my wound as best I could and settled in to see if I could find out exactly what was going on.
   That was when I had first heard about the riots that had broken out on the south side of town and that it was the news stations opinion why everyone was behaving so bizarre. You know the typical stuff, robbing, looting and eating and biting people.

  (Starts coughing some more, and now we can see some trace amounts of blood around his mouth.)
   Eventually the anchor person brings out her “scientific advisor” who starts to relate to us, the adoring public, all types of facts and figures and then breaks out the heavy guns and tells us that the hospitals had called in the CDC and they had isolated a virus in the victims from the riots that was displaying unusual characteristics.
   When asked by the anchor women to elaborate he just ignored her question and continued saying that “all the evidence wasn’t in yet so the facts hadn’t been corroborated so it would be wrong of him to speculate on what it was they had found.”
   Yeah right, this guy should be a politician. Just once in the short time I had left I wish someone would just answer a question truthfully and tell us something useful such as how the hell do we stop it if were infected and how do we stop it from spreading further. Instead we get the same old song and dance with a dash of deflection, such as blaming it on the riots.
   Riots my ass! There is no way all of this was because of a bunch of unhappy gang banger going at one another. Riots don’t have people dying and coming back to life, which is an absurd statement, cause there dead so how can they come back to life. Then to put the icing on the cake, once there up and around again they start attacking and eating people. Once they have had there fill then there leftovers get up and start that particular gruesome lifecycle all over again.
   Riots my ass! They tried to hide Roswell and J.F.K. but there is no way the government was going to sweep this under the rug.
   The Government and the news and anyone associated with them were all trying to deflect what was really happening and what the cause was but all you had to do was think back a few days and remember and if that was too hard, look out your freaking window!
   The way I figure it the problem actually started a day before the riots broke out. It was about two in the morning and I was coming home from the bar when suddenly the sky over the south part of the city was lit up like a gigantic light bulb.
   The very next day, how soon people forget, there were reports listed in the police blotter in the paper of several people reporting unusual and violent acts perpetrated upon there bodies. One had to do with an attack on a little girl and her mother and the rest had to do with desecration and defilement of bodies in a nearby cemetery.
   No one ever bothered to find out what that flash was or where the bodies went so the riots became a convenient excuse, a weak one but still convenient and the Government , God bless them, tried to use it for there cover up.
   In my opinion the government had something go wrong that night, either some biological cotangent got loose or something fell from the sky …

  (He starts coughing even more violently and get up off his chair and as he moves away from the camera it gets a little quieter but then he suddenly re-enters the frame.)

  Sorry about that, I went to open the front door a crack so I could make sure I could get out of the house once I had changed. I’m sitting here telling you all of this and I decided that the governments been taking a bite out of my ass for so long that I thought I should return the favor and add them to my list as well as the news people.
   I need to wrap this up because I don’t think I have very much time left. I’ve run out of things to wrap my leg with to stop the bleeding and I don’t think it matters much anymore.
   The skin around the bite has turned a grayish-green color and is starting to stink pretty bad and to top it off my vision is starting to blur, my stomach is cramping and I’m getting pretty damn weak and shaky.
   Well I could have thought of at least a thousand better ways to die but what can you do?
   Let me see if I have everything I need. I have my safety equipment, the front door is ajar; so I don’t get lock in so the only thing left to do is try something my ex-girlfriend learned from one of those yoga classes. I just need to keep repeating to myself over and over again, you know something that will hopefully help me retain some of my memories and I will die with these as my last words.
I will be coming back!
I will retain some of my memories, especially the ones about the government and the television news.
I will be aware and not a mindless, well, zombie.
I will be aware, I will be coming back
   And if this works then I owe my ex a big hug just before I eat her brains.
   Man I could use a cigarette.

Friday, June 3, 2011

A Letter to the Editor

   I take it upon myself; my brethren can neither read nor write, to ask, no demand an apology from you. In Tuesday’s editorial you commented on and made some rather derogatory remarks that highly offend my sensibilities. To lump us in one large group as you did demeans everything we have strived to accomplish over the course of the last year. In doing so you may as well have lumped the dinosaurs all together saying they were all carnivorous and as we know they were not. 
   Yes it is true that some of my brethren would gladly eat your flesh or slurp up your large intestine like a really long spaghetti noodle but there are those of us who would not. As for me give me a nice plate of leafy
greens or some tofu and I would be set for the day.
   You also mentioned in your editorial that we all look the same and I suppose on some level we do. Decaying flesh, rotten teeth, ripped and holey clothes, hair falling out and bits of us missing but let me assure you there are differences you just need to take a moment and look closer.
   For example the eyes pretty much can tell you everything you need to know. If they have a glazed far away stare to them then you probably want to avoid them and if that don’t help well they are usually covered in dried blood while us who don’t see you as cattle are not. 
   Thank you for taking the time to read this letter.

                                                                                                                                                                Yours Truly,
                                                                                                                                                                Ted the Zombie