An Interview With The Man
Solely responsible For Destroying Civilization As We Know It.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING PROGRAM MOST DEFINATLY CONTAINS WORDS, IMAGES AND INNUENDOES THAT ARE NOT SUITED FOR OUR YOUNGER VIEWERS.
Zombies! Before we start tonight’s program we thought it best to give you, the viewer, a brief overview of this menace that is sweeping across our fair city, break down some myths and give you nothing but the cold hard facts.
The first question usually out of anyone’s mouth is what exactly are they? Well frankly they are you and me, but dead. They continue to retain certain traits that were dominant in there lives but make no mistake about it they are dead. Sometimes these traits can be used to your advantage. For an instance, say you are alone and suddenly there is a zombie in front of you, but you notice that he seems hesitant in his approach. Chances are that in life this zombie was a coward, so instead of wasting bullets, try instead to scare him off. Grab something from the ground and start waving it about and making all kinds of noises. Chances are he is just as much afraid of you as you are of him but, and I cannot stress this enough, no matter how afraid he is of you do not try to scare him off by giving him a good punch in the nose. That myth simply does not work and instead of frightening him you have now placed your arm within reach of his mouth.
Another example that works on larger groups of zombies is this. Say your being pursued by a mob of zombies, it’s rare but it does happen, but you notice that they are all wearing either baseball hats of football jerseys. Quickly redirect your flight that takes you somewhere with a television or radio and put on the first sporting event you find. This will stop them dead in there tracks because now there focus is completely on the television and sports event and not you. This will allow you to kill them at your leisure; just make sure you complete the job before an advertisement.
Another question we hear a lot of is can a zombie be controlled? Except in the cases mentioned above a zombie is a vicious, ruthless killing machine and cannot be trained or tamed to become your own personal pet. Please do not try this, not unless you wish to become one of the walking dead as well.
Lastly the biggest question we get is were do they come from? Well frankly anywhere and everywhere. It doesn’t matter if you are rich and famous and spend your evenings dinning with Royalty. It doesn’t matter if you were born penniless, living amongst the filth of the streets and it doesn’t matter if your middle class, scrapping a living out day to day. The zombie horde does not discriminate against race, color or religion yet alone class structure. The zombie is the great social equalizer and it doesn’t matter to them what you do for a living. Simply put your meat and if you get caught one of two things will happen. They will either rip you to shreds and devourer you or if they are slow eaters then you are able to come back as one of them, adding to their already impressive ranks.
So then how is Ray creating the zombies. We will reveal this later in the show. Does he control them for his own dastardly deeds; the answer to this is NO As stated before they cannot be controlled once they have become re-animated. There soul purpose is to eat, and by that I mean you and me.
How was it we were caught so unaware? Simply put who in there right mind would ever had suspected something like this happening. But there were warning signs you say. Yes!, they just were found to late because they were too wide spread and happened so close together that the police force never had time to review and compare notes, so the trend went unnoticed.
Then of course there was the suddenness of the zombie epidemic as it swept over our city giving no one, the hospitals, fire department, police officers or even the common man on the street time to prepare and protect themselves from the onslaught that is taking place.
In just the course of one evening the death toll rose from a couple dozen to over several hundreds and our police force and National Guard were quickly over run.
No one knows how to stop it and worse still no one new how it all began until a single man named Ray tried to explain and was treated as a nutter.
But soon afterwards reports of gang fighting came in followed by reports of downed and missing officers who were sent to investigate. Now that there ranks were fast becoming decimated, that’s when they finally realized that there just might be something more to what Ray had to say.
So, they rushed him away to a top secret research facility to perform all sorts of test that all came to the same conclusion. But what can you do with a man that can bring the dead back to life? There answer was to lock him up in a secure location where we will be holding our interview with him later.
So in tonight’s program we will be heading out and hitting the streets to hold several exclusive interviews with Ray’s Mother and Father, a Mr. Charles Slouchowski, a man Ray worked with right up to the outbreak and for the first time ever we will be talking with the man himself, Ray.
We will be risking life and limb, setting out into the city so you the viewers can finally get some answers to the questions that are on all our minds and to gain some insight into the man the Government claims is responsible for over twenty thousand deaths in just a few days.
So tonight’s program starts where any story should start, at the beginning, with Ray’s parents. At first they were reluctant to allow us to come to there trailer home to interview them about there son and his alleged ties to the zombie murders, but once we informed them that it would be aired on primetime Friday night throughout the country, with millions of people tuning in, they welcomed us with open arms.
Interviewer: Mary Jane and Billy Ray I want to start off by thanking you for allowing us to come into your home, for the beer and allowing us to talk with you about your son, Ray.
Billy Ray: When did you say this thing was going to be put on the TV?
Mary Jane: Hush Billy don’t interrupt the man, does my hair look okay?
Interviewer: Yes Mary your hair looks fine and Billy; we will be airing this interview on Friday night at 8:00p.m.
Bill Ray: This Friday?
Interviewer: Yes sir, this Friday night.
Billy Ray: No, I’m sorry but that just don’t work. You’ll need to move it to either Thursday night or Saturday night.
Interviewer: I’m sorry Billy but I have no choice when they air it. It’s not up to me to say when they show it; it’s up to the Programming Director. May I ask why you don’t want it played on Friday night.
Billy Ray: It’s the league championship and I’m the darn captain. How would that look to the rest of the team if I was to stay home on the most important day of the year. We worked hard as a team to get there. Thursday or Saturday, can’t be
Interviewer: What sport are we talking about here?
Billy Ray: The only true sport there is, bowling.
Interviewer: Uh Huh! Well, couldn’t you just tape the program on your DVD burner or video recorder?
Billy Ray: Huh?
Interviewer: You know a VCR or a DVD player, you do have one right?
Billy Ray: Uh! Nope don’t think so.
Mary Jane: Is that some sort of kitchen appliance?
Interviewer: I’m sorry Mary, did you say something?
Mary Jane: That thing you mentioned, a BDR, is that a kitchen appliance. It sounds like the abbreviation for a bread maker and I do have one of those.
Interviewer: No Mary, I’m afraid it’s not. It’s a machine you hook up to your TV that allows you to tape something to watch at a more convenient time.
Billy Ray: How is tape going to do that?
Interviewer: (starting to sound a bit exasperated)
I’m not quite sure of all the technical stuff but I assure you it does work quite well. Matter of fact, my cameraman over there, that is filming us, is basically using a portable VCR to tape right now.
Billy Ray: I don’t see no duct tape!
Interviewer: IT”S NOT DUCT TAPE! Sorry about that. Look, how about we do this, if I can’t change my programmers mind to switch the day it airs then I’ll just make you a copy and send it over with a VCR so you can watch it at anytime.
Billy Ray: I don’t know. Let me go call the guys really quick to see what they have to say. I’ll be right back – do you need a refill while I’m up.
Interviewer: Dear God! Yes, and thank you.
Mary Jane: I didn’t know you were religious man.
Interviewer: Only recently Mary Jane, only recently.
Mary Jane: Well I’ve been a devotee my whole life and the lord has helped me through many a difficult situation. Every
time I’m feeling depressed or helpless I locate one of the statues I have of Jesus or Mary scattered through the trailer to give me inspiration. I even have one on my trucks dashboard. He’s a bit melted right know because of the extreme heat we had last summer, but I can’t seem to find a replacement for him anywhere. Oh! I did find one of him wearing a grass skirt but I didn’t think it to be appropriate.
(Billy Ray enters back into the room)
Billy Ray: Never mind.
Mary Jane: About the dashboard Jesus.
Billy Ray: No ya silly girl!
Interviewer: About what then Billy Ray?
Billy Ray: About the interview.
Interviewer: WHAT? You don’t want to do it any longer?
Billy Ray: No, I mean yes, we can do it. The match is next week and it’s a good thing too because Clyde was just telling me that he might not be able to bowl because some clown bit him on his bowling hand today when he was coming out of the beer store and now he’s not feeling so well.
Interviewer: Did he see what he looked like?
Billy Ray: Why on earth would Clyde tell me what he looks like, I’ve seen Clyde hundreds of times and know what he looks like.
Interviewer: No, No, No. I meant did Clyde see the person who bit him?
Billy Ray: Not really. Clyde seemed a bit off and I didn’t want to bother him too much about it.
Interviewer: That’s okay, maybe we’ll swing around to his place when we are done and see how he’s feeling.
Mary Jane: That is real friendly like. You could always bring him a coffee cake as well.
Interviewer: Um…exactly why would I do that?
Mary Jane: Because it would be like a “hope your feeling better” gift. Besides, he likes them.
Interviewer: Thank you Mary for that bit of information, it should come in handy and I’ll make sure we get him one. Now that we have all that settled I would like to ask you a few questions about Ray.
Billy Ray: Me? Why?
Interviewer: No not you Billy Ray, I’m referring to your son, Ray.
Mary Jane: I swear, sometimes you can be so dim Billy Ray.
Interviewer: So, Mary Jane, what can you tell us about Ray? What was he like as a little boy? Did he have a happy childhood?
Mary Jane: I think so but I’m not quite sure because we would need to leave him at our cousin Clyde’s house a lot. Because more often than not I would work my normal full time morning shift at the diner and then, depending on the day of the week, my second full time shift would either be in the afternoon or at night.
Interviewer: And what about you Billy Ray?
Billy Ray: Well same goes for me kind, of except, I would work my shift down at the packing plant, I was on first shift, and then after work we would go down to the bowling alley afterwards. Depending on how well we bowled that night it would determine how long we would stay out afterward celebrating.
Mary Jane: Yeah! It was pretty hectic back then and it was a good thing we have such close relatives or we would have never been able to afford this place.
(Motions with her arms to indicate the trailer)
Interviewer: So what you guys are telling me is when Ray was a baby you pretty much had no contact with him.
Mary Jane: Baby? Heck No! We never got to spend any time with him until he was almost seven. That’s right about the time that Billy Ray got laid off the first time.
Interviewer: First time. How many times were you laid off Billy Ray?
Billy Ray: Don’t rightly know. Seemed to happen at least once a year and always in November. This never really bothered me because they always called us back and Deer season opened in November anyways.
Interviewer: So, Billy Ray, did you take Ray along on any of your hunting trips, you know to teach him the ropes to become a killer?
Billy Ray: Whoa there fella! First off hunting ain’t killing. If it wasn't for us hunting them down then they would either starve to death in winter or get hit by cars.
Interviewer: Sorry, that’s not what or how I meant it.
Billy Ray: Forget about it. I did try taking the boy out a couple times, but each time he was worse than the time before. Always complaining about being to cold or the ground was too wet or the twelve packs were too heavy, I’m telling you, the boy
was a born whiner.
Interviewer: Was Ray able to eventually shoot a deer?
Billy Ray: Only with his cap gun. He out rightly refused to shoot anything. No matter how many times I explained to him the whole survival thing or how it put food on our table. Nothing would work.
Mary Jane: Isn’t that about the time he wanted to become a vegetarian?
Billy Ray: Yep. That boy didn’t have a harmful bone in his body. He wouldn’t even eat things that were all ready dead for Gods sake.
Mary Jane: BILLY RAY you apologies right this minute!
Billy Ray: Sorry Lord for using your name like I did.
Interviewer: So Ray was pretty much useless when it came to hunting! But, let me ask you this, in the time he lived at home, before striking out on his own, did either of you ever witness him doing anything harmful to any creature at all? You know, like cats or dogs in the neighborhood?
Billy Ray: Nope, not a darn thing.
Mary Jane: Me neither, in fact it seemed that everyday he was bringing something that had been hurt home and always trying to nurse it back to health.
He was never very successful at it and every time one
of the animals would die, no matter how small and insignificant it was, you could see him become more and more depressed and obsessed about them always questioning God’s will about why things died. I think personally that’s when he started having all those emotional problems.
Interviewer: Emotional Problems? What ones were those?
Mary Jane: Primarily it was low self esteem. He would always mope around for days on end when one of the animals he was trying to help died. Always muttering under his breath things like “nobody loves me that’s why they are always dying and leaving me” or “”nobody loves me that’s why I’m always being locked up in the closet.” It wasn’t to long after this that we started sending him to see one of those student psychiatrists. But he couldn’t really help so social services help us find Dr. Johnson, who worked with the county, and he tried to help Ray.
Interviewer: Was Dr. Johnson ever successful in helping Ray?
Billy Ray: Well, were not really sure about that.
Interviewer: Why is that Billy Ray?
Billy Ray: Because they pumped him so full of pills that he couldn’t help but be happy!
Mary Jane: Well now Billy, that’s not entirely true.
Interviewer: Mary Jane could you please explain?
Mary Jane: Well when Ray was away one afternoon, around his fourteenth birthday, I decided to do a little spring cleaning. When I got to his room I was going through the closet, throwing out old shoes and things but when I stood up I bumped my head on a shelf. The collision dislodged a shoe box which fell to the floor and opened up spilling out about a years worth of pills.
Needless to say I was a bit surprised and taken back that he wasn’t taking his meds so I gave his room a good looking over and when I was done I had found about two and a half years worth of prescriptions hidden throughout the room.
Interviewer: And what did you do about this?
Mary Jane: I confronted him of course. We had a long talk about it and he told me that he didn’t need the pills because talking with Dr. Johnson was helping him and the only thing the pills did was make him feel strange. So I told him, Fine you stop taking them, after all it been nearly three years already, but you better not start bringing half dead animals home and talking about death again it woul… Billy Ray where are you going?
Interviewer: I’m not sure Mary Jane but he seemed to be becoming more and more upset as you continued talking just now about the pills.
Mary Jane: Great, just great, and he wonders were the boy gets it from. Please excuse me for a moment I’ll be right back.